i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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