I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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