ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
