I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Randomize
