Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
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