you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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