tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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