were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
