I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
