There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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