I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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