and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
