My nipple is on Facebook.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
