I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
