you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Randomize
