Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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