He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
