I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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