You made me cry and you don't even care
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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