An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I have post one night stand depression
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
