I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
