I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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