When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
