my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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