dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
