i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
40s are totally the cure
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
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