they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
