I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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