Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
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