Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
