guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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