How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
you had me at cake vodka
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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