Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
