So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
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I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
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If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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