I just threw up on my dentist
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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