He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
