Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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