I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
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