You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
