There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
