Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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