dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
