Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I AM VODKA MAN
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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