Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
