I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
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