I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Randomize
