Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize