I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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