Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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