I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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