Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
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