dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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