i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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