What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
