i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
