I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I'm passing your future prison.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
