Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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