ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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