My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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