the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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