last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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