Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
