There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
