I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
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I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize